Coaching Up

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert in the principles of economics.  I took one course during the summer at School of the Ozarks a LONG time ago.  (I mean…if you HAVE to suffer an econ class, it’s best done in the loveliness of southwestern Missouri, right?)

I felt fortunate enough to avoid using those principles for another 20 years or so, when I had the opportunity to teach students about the local environment.  As teachers, we want our students to be passionate about their topics and knowing that my seniors had to write a research essay, I wanted them to understand what happens when we aren’t personally responsible for the environment.

Not every city has the misfortune to be assigned a number by the federal government for a federal intervention of a toxic waste dump, but our city did.  The year I moved to this area, the local steel mill shuttered its doors leaving the facility literally as it had stood the day before while they were in production except that the furnaces were allowed to cool.  It was not known widely at first about the rising cases of cancer that were becoming endemic in the area.  After a bit of investigation, authorities discovered plumes of cadmium, lead and arsenic in the local groundwater.  Along with asbestos, volatile organic compounds (VOCs), polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs), residents were living in a toxic soup.  All of these and the many others were found in the ground and surface water and in the soil were causing health concerns.

As a class, we cleaned up the creek near the school discovering how unhealthy that water was. We gathered the trash and analyzed it; they correctly understood all of it was a product of human consumption and waste. Downstream we visited our local water treatment facility and learned how the city actually improved the water that flowed out of their facility and into the creek.  They discovered the problems inherent in dropping anything down toilets and drains.  We studied the processes used in reclaiming scrap metal and turning them into products such as nails, wire and wire fencing.  We looked at the various parts of the 183-acre site and how it was used.  We were blessed to actually gain access to two of those sites as they neared the end of their clean-up.  Next, we looked at the health problems of the neighbors. 

That’s when one of my students said, “My grandpa died of cancer.  He lives behind the main plant.  Another told us, “My aunt is really sick, but they can’t figure out what’s wrong.” 

It suddenly got very personal.

Over time, my students understood the value of picking up trash, recycling, advocating for clean water and demanding answers when a community is poisoned by the very industry that provided a livelihood to so many grandparents and relatives. 

In economics, there are concepts called externalities:   spillover costs, or opportunity costs, that are rarely discussed until it’s too late.  These costs are those which are borne by a third party that has no say in the decision making.  Here, the costs of making nails were to the health of every person in the neighborhood of the factory and to the utter destruction of the environment as well.  And, since its clean-up of the site, the cost is to every taxpayer across the US in one form or another.

Regardless of your stand on climate change – and that’s a conversation for another time – there is no getting around the spillover costs (and benefits).

I used to hear my husband say, “Don’t confuse me with the facts” when he was particularly irritated by the head-spinning, duplicitous nature of some news sources.  I’ve adopted it because the times are rich with opportunity when I can use it.  Unfortunately, discussing climate change is one of those times.

To hear the pundits, we either have NO change occurring (in complete ignorance of the rapid changes happening globally) or the planet will be uninhabitable within the decade.  How do these extreme positions help us have a conversation? 

Simply, they don’t.

Most of our politicians don’t know a thing about the principles of economics and it shows.  Or, at least it is not demonstrated in their rhetoric.  Do they understand when they fight to stay in their corner of the debate that their argument becomes less attractive, not more convincing?  Do they know that their hyperbole is simply dismissed?  Are they aware that when they cherry-pick one loser in the opportunity costs without having a balanced discussion about all costs and all benefits that we get further and further away from any kind of compromise and therefore any kind of useful solutions?

The recent executive order by the President will never achieve the stated goal.  Stopping the Keystone XL Pipeline will not change the habits of an oil-consuming country.  It will not reduce carbon emissions, and in fact, can only increase them.  It will not reduce the chances of an oil spill.  What it will do is cut jobs and continue to gut the middle class making it impossible to avoid the tax-payer handouts to those without jobs.  And it will make us dependent on our enemies again.

Have we forgotten history?  Or is that exactly the agenda? America’s middle has gone soft and pudgy.  Those that are fighters in the tradition of colonists are considered extremists now and are routinely dismissed and scapegoated or gaslighted for their want of freedom.  (If the media has its way, these patriots are summed up in the few optics of radicals at the Capitol on January 6^th. True patriots do NOT relate to those guilty of that event.)  But, let’s call them racists and conspiracy theorists, too, while we’re at it.  The problem is that many of these freedom fighters look just like your mom and dad.  They dress in suits and go to offices, or in Carhartt’s and feed the stock on wintry days that will end up on your privileged tables in a few months.  They are you and me.  They are the neighbor.

Those bearded crazies wielding their guns scare the crap out of you pasty-white snowflakes who “just wanna get along”. 

Ignorance and virtual signaling have been commonplace tropes in our modern political and media landscape.  Moreover, the graft of the elite is hidden behind this convenient curtain. 

“Look!  Over there!  Don’t you see the distraction created for you so you won’t want to discuss the real problem?”

We must call it what it is: deception.  Let’s challenge those who want to see the problems in either-or views because, let’s face it, nothing is literally that simple.  We must insist on transparency to understand the motives of those who make decisions. 

Get the facts.  Let’s bring back some kind of real dialogue.

Let’s be American again.

I’ve talked about the mess that my life was in my 20’s in general terms.  Most of us can relate to the idea that we thought we knew what was best, or right for the moment, or at least acknowledge some of our decisions were flat out not bound in any thought of consequence or benefit.

But, I can’t ignore what seemingly is this orchestration of elements in my life that all conspire to create a very blessed life.  Not problem free, but full of blessings and grace and mercy.

Think of an Y.  The top of the Y are two lines, separate but moving in the same direction.  (My Navy training calls this CBDR – constant bearing, decreasing range.  Hence, a recipe for collision!)  That is my life and my husband’s life before we met.

My life?  The short of it is this:  A kid from the Chicago burbs moves to the wildness of the Ozarks in the 70’s.  Goes off to college (only after she turns down an opportunity to go to Wellesley -crazy, I know.). Decides to become a Social Worker.  Only what she wants to do isn’t even a thing yet.  So, signs up to become an officer in the Navy.  Along the way, there is a failed marriage, a miscarriage and a lot of casting about more characterized by that country song, “Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places”.    Loses her aunt – a critical person in her life and then her dad.  Two crushing blows.  Then, she gets an offer she can’t refuse.  Want a path to Captain?  Hell, yes! I’m in.  Now tell me what I have to do.

Ben’s life: A charmed life as a judge’s son in a small town in central Michigan.  Can’t get away with much so you toe the line.  Goes to MSU – go Sparty! Becomes an engineer/Air Force Pilot and has a near miss with the Vietnam War.  His own failed marriage and becomes the father to a beautiful daughter.  Loses his mother to cancer, but goes to California and swears he doesn’t want to go to Thule on remote.  But, for whatever reason, as he is about to tell his superior he doesn’t want the assignment, he says, “Send me.”  He will tell you today, that he just can’t get his arms around that moment.  He can’t figure out what made him say just the opposite of what he wanted.

Both of those stories end up in a school for Space Surveillance in Denver, Colorado.  On day ONE, Caesar (I never remember names, so you know this is significant!) was insistent that I meet Ben.  At one of our breaks, Caesar introduced me.  You have to know that I had just broken up with someone else about a week before.  It was a cap on an already terrible track record of meeting men and making awful choices.  I took one look at Ben in his uniform, stuck my finger nice and hard into his flight wings and say “Oh, hell no.  Not another fly boy.” And, walked away.

That was Monday.  By Friday, we were eating hor d’oeurves and dancing cheek to check. 

Don’t tell me that this is a coincidence.  And, don’t tell me this was hormones either because I was ready never to date again.  Ready to completely focus on my career, and if you know me, once I decide on something there is not much that will change that trajectory.

I couldn’t get away from this.  That was October 1984.  By Thanksgiving, my Michigan suitor drove all the way down to the Chicago area to convince me to wait for him.  Thule was a remote assignment – just one year.  I needed time to get my head together.  I told him, “Sure.  I’m not really interested in dating at this point, but I’ll listen.”

And he won me over, one audio tape at a time.  We got engaged.  I left my “track to Captain” and came to Indiana without any assurance whatsoever that this would work.  We married, had babies and then I began my teaching career.

Explain this.  Do you really think it’s coincidence?

Don’t tell me it was coincidence that our paths would come together in incredibly impossible ways and that we would stick like glue from that point on – even beyond the odds.

Explain how it is that I understand emotional abuse at the hands of an alcoholic parent?  Explain how adding to this failure upon failure in my 20’s?  Explain how a girl who someone thought was destined for an Eastern Seaboard Prep School is suddenly in the Navy?  Explain how this wannabe Social Worker ends up bulling her way into an Alternative School to serve up 17 years of service? 

Explain how that 30 years into a marriage that I’m explaining to a pastor that it was BEN that brought me back into the fold when he says, “Do you know he says the same thing about you?” 

It was a stunning moment of revelation for me.

Can you see the not-so-coincidence of the pattern, yet?

My early years, the mess of a marriage, my time in the Navy (to grow up and develop some skills), meeting Ben and growing equally yoked together all become the places I draw from to teach.  I have always had a heart for young people that didn’t have advocates or resources.  Those so-called broken experiences and missed opportunities laid the groundwork for me to “put into” young lives in every class since 1994. 

So, how does all this factor into some life lesson you can draw from?  No, you aren’t going to pull some lesson from my life and say, “I should do it just like she did.”  Please.  Don’t do that. 

What I want you to see is that the messes I made were of value.  Value to me and value to the God I serve.  Somehow, He was able to pick up my sad pieces and use the lessons in all of that to create this life of worth. 

What mess did He pick up for you?  How have those circumstances of yours been woven into this intricate design of you-niqueness?

For so long, I just felt that God saved me from something base and wild.  Maybe even corrupt and so much more than broken.  I couldn’t see the value until I’d gotten some distance on the picture.  I couldn’t see the value I brought to others until a little…no, a LOT of time had passed.

What have you missed in your big picture that is valuable?  Maybe you’re still in your prime.  Maybe you don’t have enough distance on your life to see the value in all your struggles.  But, just maybe, if you were to think about these different, seeming disparate events, as parts of a whole what would the whole look like?  How would it be of value?

Are you still shaking your head and telling me, “But, you don’t know how bad it is.”?

You’re wrong.

You are valued and you have value.  Straighten up.  Push your shoulders back.  Pull your head up.

Somebody needs you and your sad, sordid history. Maybe today.

Not really.

This post is not about politics or religion. It’s about perspective.

If you do any reading about politics or public policy, or if you watch (scroll through) any media, you know that politics is usually partisan, typically hyperbolic and almost always driven by motives which have little to do with the average citizen.

So why is there so, so much divisive discourse? No, not discourse – that implies there is an actual conversation happening. It’s more like shouting over the fence. Why is what we increasingly call conversation not much more than ad hominem attacks, attempts to gaslight, or sentiments that have the feel of the “Chicken Little” story?

I’m reading a book by Rod Paige who was the Secretary of Education under #43 which highlights the real face of the teacher’s unions. (That’s another blog or ten.) As I reflect on what is happening two things come to mind:

1. There is nothing new under the sun
2. Humans are fantastically competitive when it comes to pushing their ideas.

If you’re a bit like me, I’m tired of the shouting, the noise, the outright lies and the attempts to manipulate my emotions and thinking by the media and politicians.

What’s a smart girl (or guy) to do?

Unplug. Just a bit.

It’s probably not responsible to unplug completely, but what should we do to regain balance between the ton of information (most of it irrelevant to our daily lives) and what we REALLY need to know?

But, Frankie, I LIKE FaceBook and Twitter and the news constantly streaming wherever I go! But, Reader, why? Why is that? My kids would say you have FOMO. (Look it up. I had to.) I’d also tell you that it is so ingrained in our habits that it would feel something like having to get used to your grocery store when they move everything around. I’d also tell you that there is an answer that explains what happens in your brain when your phone dings. (Think Pavlov’s dog.). Then there is this: understand that all of communication is meant to influence you.

Are you ready for change? Then you have to reflect a bit on the problem. Only you will be able to make this change. Complaining won’t do it. Talk doesn’t help in this case. Action will.

1. Limit the number of times you pick up your phone, log-on to your computer or turn on the news on your TV each day.
2. Change your notifications so that your screens don’t light up, they vibrate, or ding.
3. Turn your phone to Do Not Disturb at night.
4. Get off all digital devices including your TV 1-2 hours before bed. Blue light interferes with your body’s ability to produce melatonin. And frankly, most of what we see is so aggravating that our heart rates are too high to allow restorative sleep at night.
5. Eliminate negative ads, people or organizations that show up on your feeds.
6. Fill your feeds with positive sources of information.
7. Reduce your news to as few as possible that will give you balanced approaches to news.
8. Try an MSM and social media fast for a day or a weekend.
9. Never allow phones on a date or at your dinner table. Start discovering eye-color and facial expressions again!

Some years ago, in a college class that I taught for pre-service teachers, I asked them to understand the effect of our digital devices by taking a digital fast for just one 24-hour period. The day before the fast, students were to observe how often they were on any kind of device or media including TV and radio. They were to also include in their frequency chart why they were using that media. So many were truly reluctant to do this. They were to observe and record how the day went on the day of their fast. Finally, they were to write a reflective essay. By and large, the results followed this pattern: about a 3-4 hour period of withdrawal with some students experiencing physical symptoms, then this amazingly productive period of about 4-6 hours that included cleaning, exercising, or fixing things ending with the most impactful experience of the day – connecting socially with friends or spending time in nature. All of them said that the next morning, they awoke refreshed having slept better than ever in months. All of them said they were shocked at the amount of time they spent on their devices.

So what does this have to do with all the negative in our lives? Understand that humans have been competing for your attention since ziggurats were built in Babylon. Understand that the attempt to influence you is a human drive – it’s in our DNA to build our fiefdoms. It really hasn’t gotten worse – except that in our digital age we have the ability to access more and more information. All this information is not making us better. It is making us sick.

It. Is. Our. Choice. To. Engage.

Choose well. I think we will all be better for it in the long run.

The difference between  productive people and those who spin their wheels has a lot to do with what has been coined focus vs diffuse thinking.  

Thanks to advancements in neuroscience, we are able to understand how our brains work best.  It helps to understand that first, we don’t multitask well.  In fact, we suck at it.  According to Daniel J. Levitin in his article “Why it’s so hard to pay attention, explained by science”, we only process at about 120 bits per second which means we can barely understand two conversations at the same time.  Yet, we live in a world that includes 300 exabytes of information available to us – that’s 3 plus 20 zeroes!

Our brains have evolved over millennia to constantly monitor our environment.  It has this governor-like attentional filter (remember when your dad put a governor on the accelerator of your beat-up hand-me down of a car when you were sixteen and learning to drive?  Yeah, that kind of thing.)  This attention filter protects us by ignoring the unimportant so that we can focus on — threats or opportunities for survival.

Understanding that our ability to pay attention is limited, what is an up-and-comer to do?  Filter.  Learn to set aside time to do the mundane, but necessary items.  For me?  I don’t want to think about what to wear in the morning when I’m the most productive in creating.  So, on the weekend as I’m doing laundry, I set up my clothes for the week right down to socks and belts.  I know it sounds a little nerdy, but this keeps me from frittering away that precious time for what I’d rather be doing.

But there’s one more, very important thing you should be doing.

Using procrastination to your advantage.  If you are a natural procrastinator, I’m sorry to tell you, but even your procrastination has to be used intentionally.  That is, IF you want to be successful.

I teach Humanities part-time as my part-time retirement gig.  I love helping my students get to the “ah-ha”.  I get my high from their successes, so one thing I do is a little coaching about personal habits of success which include not only what to do, but also what attitudes to develop.  And, this trick has netted the most benefit for my students.

The idea is using diffuse thinking to enable our focused thinking to be more fruitful.  The idea isn’t new.  I first heard of it in an unlikely book for me to pick up:  A Mind for Numbers: How to Excel at Math and Science (Even if You Flunked Algebra) by Barbara Oakley, Ph.D.  She states that “We procrastinate about things that make us feel uncomfortable.”  (Math makes me uncomfortable.) How true that is for a developing writer in my writing courses!  You want me to write a 2-page paper about what???  Then the anxiety kicks in as well as the stinkin’ thinkin” (A nod to Zig Ziglar.)  Sound familiar?

What if I told you that using procrastination helps you when you have something to do that you are not sure you can be successful with?  

Step 1:  Read carefully through your notes (or the teacher’s description of the assignment or your boss’s request).  Note what must be accomplished.  

Step 2:  Write down questions you have after reading it.

Step 3:  Write down everything you know about the topic or the thing you must do.  These three steps are critical steps and cannot be skipped.

Step 4:  Go take a walk, fold a load of laundry, feed the dog, play with your kids, play another video game, take a nap or whatever that allows you to NOT to think about this project.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  Go daydream away!

Step 5:  After some time (overnight, next day, or in an hour or two), come back to the project and add to Steps 1-3.  This time go a little further.  Get answers to your questions.  Attempt to write a paragraph that complies with the assignment.  Read resources if there are any.  In other words, add to what you did in steps 2 and 3.

Repeat as long as necessary until completion of the project.

Why does this work?  We know that our brains begin to be less focused the longer we force ourselves to work, or even when we continually ruminate and fuss over what needs to be done.  You actually make it harder to get the job done just by worrying about it!

Thams Oppong in “For a More Creative Brain, Take Breaks”, notes that when you stay too long on a project, you not only lose focus, but what focus you have is fixated on previous thoughts and solutions.  So, in essence you aren’t moving forward!

Your subconscious brain is constantly working in the background while you perform these diffuse-thinking tasks!  That’s why you often come back to the project with fresh ideas.

When I was young, my father used this tactic successfully to solve problems.  He was an engineer at a time in our history when computers were still as big as rooms and his idea of a calculator was a slide-rule.  No googling for ideas for that guy!  He told me to write down what the problem was to be solved.  Writing it in black and white gives it clarity.  Now, go to bed for the night.  Somehow in the morning, he either had the complete solution, or he had at least the next step to take.  It always worked.  This is an example of using your subconscious in a diffuse way to figure out what to do.

My students who have taken this advice to heart and used this method have found that writing is actually more enjoyable.  And, of course, their scores improve as well. This is true for anybody with a deadline looming, a project that seems a bit out of their lane, or well…that research paper that you have no idea how to write.

Some people are writing about their silver linings after living 9 months in a pandemic, like “My husband and I became closer by spending more time together”.  Some are listing benefits as a result of living in the year 2020 – something like, “I learned how to sew in 2020.”

This post may be a tweak on the usual.

I think living in the modern world frequently means that we are geared toward moving, and moving as fast as we can.  It means adding to our repertoire of skills and experiences.  It’s kind of the “fast lane” approach to life, leaving us little time for reflection.

I am in – and I think it’s enviable, frankly – the position of being a little older than most.  I’m semi-retired, which means I have the ability to slow life down a little, make choices that I couldn’t make in my 30’s and 40’s that suit my preferences, say “no” more often.  It also means that I have more time for reflection.

I’m going to say something that may come across upsetting to some, but hear me out.  Except for some minor disappointments (and we have those all through life), 2020 has not really impacted my life much.

I know, it’s a shocking thing to admit.  But here’s why:

1.  I’ve stayed healthy.  Except for one minor ailment Christmas day (stomach flu), I did not even have a cold.  And, my husband can say the same.  Why?  Because we have long been careful with our health.  We take nutritional supplements.  Avoid high-risk experiences. We eat well, sleep well, move well….you get the idea.  Before Covid-19, we were already doing what was necessary to have strong immune systems.
2. While there were family members with Covid-19, nobody died in my family because of it.  I thank God for this.  However, I lost a beloved sister to cancer.  Cancer has always been a scourge.  It’s just as frightening, if not more so, than Covid-19.  We have lived with countless diseases and so far, we have been spared.  Covid-19 is another to add to the list.  I refuse to live in fear.  This is not a new revelation.  The likes of terrorists and 9/11, my husband in a foreign land fighting a foreign war, and countless other things that can produce anxiety and fear have taught me that worrying about these things rob me of my TODAY.  Before Covid-19, I already had a sense of peace and knew I had a choice to experience it.
3. While we have curtailed way too many social engagements with friends, not to mention the loss of two important vacations and were not able to fly my daughter home from Germany, I have not suffered from loneliness.  I am a fortunate woman married to a man who adores me and craves spending time with me.  In a year of isolation, I needed this.  We played more games, watched more movies, gardened together, enjoyed a bourbon on the deck every evening before bed during the summer.  We continued our couple’s devotion and prayed together. We have always worked hard to have a great marriage. Before Covid-19, I already had a great bond with my husband.
4. I did not lose my job.  Now, in the first few months, learning to teach remotely, just learning those new skills at such a frenzied pace, nearly made me lose my mind!  But, I resolved to do what I could, the best I could.  Why?  Years ago, I had great people in my life that mentored me.  They ensured that I would develop the best work ethic possible.  They ensured that I knew how to keep learning.  They encouraged the attitudes that are required for just this kind of crisis.  Before Covid-19, I already had a long career in education and the skills to continue making an impact.
5. I did not lose my perspective.  I’ve known too well that we should be careful not to take at face value much of what we see and hear.  Our current media, in most all of its forms, do not enjoy the credibility it had 30 or 40 years ago. I’ve learned over the last 45 years, that man’s view of the world is flawed.  How?  Because The Word tells us this.  I rest my faith on the plans God has for me.  It WAS distressing to see lost souls buffeted by this storm.  So many who I expected common sense from were caught up in the torrent of media fear-mongering.  Many of them Christians, just like me, but forgetting that He is in control, not the government and certainly not the media (except that both have been far too influential lately).  Before Covid-19, I used critical thinking to sort through the proverbial mountains of misinformation which more often than not just sent me to read my Bible or to pray.  Before Covid-19, I had a deep faith in God.

So you see, the one true blessing for me was to reflect on the fact that I created a life for myself that was able to withstand the storm.  My husband and I occasionally take a look back on our decisions and choices throughout our lives.  The quiet of the Christmas season allowed us to do that again.  It would be such a waste to live with regret because of things I didn’t do.  Rather, I choose to think about the things of value that were taught to me and that I learned that allow me to live a good life.

The groundwork was already laid for me to be able to say that I was not impacted by what 2020 threw at us. We will never be free from trials in this life, so we must choose to live, and live fully.  God has blessed me.  In this year of Covid-19, His blessings were the Blood over the door of my life.